12.20.2023

I’ve had writer’s block now for a decade. It feels like I haven’t been able to write ever despite the history of short stories I have stacked up in a corner of my room and the compilation of poetry I’ve somehow collected over the years. I feel like a different person and I know it’s okay to embrace the change and that we all outgrow ourselves, but sometimes when I try to look back… I wonder if I was better before or it just feels like being younger and having all that raw emotion feels better than being a know-it-all and being all too practical like I am now.

I’m still trying to read, but I’ve been invested in only a couple of authors ever since and somehow they’ve dwindled to almost nonexistent because they’ve stopped writing anything interesting or it just got repetitive as I’ve read almost all their works through the years. Lately, I’ve realized people are not interested in reading an actual book anymore. Younger people have a very short span of attention and cannot focus. Even people my age have adapted to the tech and has lost patience to the slower pace and the journey of finding a book in a bookstore or a library and finding a quiet corner somewhere just to spend a few hours immersed in a world of pages has been like a thing of the past – it has been easier and pointless yet more “in” to drown ourselves in scrolling meaningless reels on Tiktok and other social media platforms. But mostly Tiktok.

I hate Tiktok.

I pick a book through online libraries these days, if I like the book after reading it electronically… I’d place an order for the physical book online (because it’s less hassle). Currently, I am waiting for a poetry book by a local writer. I’ve been a follower of the author in Instagram and have one of his published works in print already. He’s been self-publishing his works so it’s not on sale in most bookstores. It is also written in full Tagalog which has been a breath of fresh air for my mind… I realized how I’ve been aloof of my own language and how irresponsible that is of me.

I know that I’ll always be a person who likes books… but I can’t say I’m an avid reader anymore, not like before. I hope that as I grow older, it will change back to how I was… how eager I was in finding books, new reads… I wish I will be that person who gets a library at home… shelves full of books… and everyday in a quiet corner, I’ll be enjoying a few hours getting myself lost in the stories. It doesn’t matter if I get to write again… I think I’m finished accepting the truth I’ll never be a writer. I didn’t want it enough to pursue and give it all I’ve got. However, I don’t want to stop reading… not ever.

So, I wish Tiktok and the likes of it will somehow perish. And I hope more people appreciate written art in the days to come.

Roller Coaster

Emotional Roller Coaster

08.01.2023

Dahan-dahang aakyat, tapos bubulusok pababa

Parang hinahalukay ang aking sikmura

Isang saglit gusto kong umiyak,

Isang saglit mistulang baliw na tatawa

Hindi matapos-tapos na pagikot,

Sumisigaw ako na “Tama na po!!!”

Pero tangay ng hangin ang boses ko sa kawalan

Hanggang sa matapos din sa wakas,

Sa pagbaba ko’y ubos na ang lakas

Halos hindi na makatayo, pagod na pagod…

At bulong ko sa sarili ko: “Hinding-hindi na mauulit ‘to.”

Nakasakay ka na ba sa Roller Coaster?

Bakas

07.30.2023

MY THOUGHTS AND FEELS: Hidden Love

fandomly bookish: diary of an avid fangirl and book-sniffing reader

I made it. I’m still alive after doing a marathon of #HIDDENLOVE Episodes 1 to 4 last night. Here I am now and I definitely have a lot of feels.

First and foremost, I’m such a sucker for stories that tap into the “fall in love with my older/brother’s best friend” and I believe I’m going to be insufferable from this point onwards.

I read the first chapter of its manhua/webtoon and was shocked with how much they stuck with the material. I might continue reading it just to see if they will stay true to it until the end. But to those who have read it already in full, what are your thoughts about the episodes released or the clips floating around? Is it at par with the webtoon? You can tell me your thoughts below.

Going back, everything about this series is pretty. The cinematography and color grading…

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I’m an Addict

It’s time to confess. I’m an addict. I’m addicted to Chinese Dramas #CDRAMAS and it’s different to my addiction to K-Dramas. Definitely! It all started when I was binge-scrolling my Youtube months ago and came across a clip from #YouAreMyGlory by Dilraba and Yang Yang. I distinctly remember which scene it was: when Yu Tu (Yang Yang) realized his mistake and wanted to woo Jing Jing (Dilraba) during their drive back to their hometown, he admitted he was sorry and she hated the fact that she confessed to him again, it seemed like she likes him more than he does… and he hugged her. She was upset and kind of happy at the same time.

I find that CDramas are more realistic and more in-depth with its character development compared to KDramas. Maybe because CDramas have longer episodes too… but I also love that they focus even on the supporting characters stories. As of now, I am OBSESSED with Hidden Love. But here’s a short list of my favorite and must-watch Chinese Dramas for all of you. Because I want to make addicts of others too. Let’s spread this love. 😛

1. You Are My Glory – the story is about a girl who became a celebrity and met her high school crush/first love again through an online game she’s promoting, then they became closer and started to fall in love again.
2. Love Like The Galaxy – this is not a modern drama. this is about a girl who was born in a military family and got involved with the adopted son of the emperor who fell for her at first sight, but she didn’t notice because she was too busy being silly… meanwhile, there’s a whole lot of political back story here and family plots that will entertain you… from comedy to drama, to action… it’s all here.
3. Hidden Love – like I said, I’m obsessed with this now… even read the manhwa version… it’s about a young girl who fell in love with her brother’s best friend and then they got together when she got older – i know it sounds so boring but TRUST me it’s not.
4. The Love You Give Me
5. Love Scenery
6. A Date With The Future
7. The Long Ballad

I actually want to write some more, but I need to finish watching my drama so BYE!

Musings in the Afternoon 06.23.23

My Iced Salted Caramel Mocha is too sweet (I blame myself! Sigh!). I should’ve ordered my usual and not experiment on my coffee choice. I’m hanging out at this new coffee shop near my office at 1:06 PM for a few reasons: (1) I want to use AC without me having to pay for it, (2) I want coffee – even though I know what I ordered isn’t coffee, (3) I don’t want to go home early, (4) I want to people-watch which I’m currently not doing so good at the moment because there’s only two couples at this cafe so there’s not many people to watch. I also ordered a panini, trying to be healthy with choosing the smoked salmon, which I immediately regret when I saw the plate served. It doesn’t taste bad. It’s just not THAT good.

I used to sit at cafes for many hours several times a week when I was younger (by that I mean, when I was in my 20s) and not married. I don’t know why it doesn’t feel as good now. Is it because I know how much I’m spending here that I could have spent somewhere else more meaningful or practical? Adulting sucks. I feel pretentious with my laptop and a book on the table.

But I’m not pretending to read the book, I’ve started it but hasn’t been feeling the motivation to finish. Something that has changed too since I got married, I used to be able to immerse myself in a book in the instant I open one. I feel disheartened that I’ve lost my hobbies since I got married because I had to divert the majority of my energy and focus into more important and practical things like grocery shopping, meal planning, budget organizing, working my ass off to pay the bills, and being a wife. It’s not all bad, that’s not what I’m saying… I love being married and I always feel thankful that I’ve found my better half. It’s just that being half of someone else means I had to compromise some parts of myself. It’s a sacrifice I was and still is willing to make. It just feels off sometimes, like right this moment. It feels like wearing an old familiar piece of clothing I used to love and realizing it doesn’t feel good anymore. That’s how I feel whenever I try to get back into my old habits. Pretentious.

I also feel like I can’t 100% function without my husband. I can function, just not as good. Does anyone else feel that way? (Married people! C’mon!)

It’s only been 15 minutes since I started typing this post! Am I gonna last for an hour sitting here? Guess.

27

You’re only 27 and desperate to find love. Listen, I’ve been 27 and felt the same way. I thought time was running out and I have to do something. But be still, love will come when you least expect it. When you’re not looking, it will come for you… it may come without warning, like a surprise. It may come like it’s always been there waiting for you. How ever it arrives, as you yearn for it so desperately… it will be a gift that you will know for sure is for you because it won’t hurt to hold on to. True love is like that. It doesn’t give you pain, it doesn’t make you cry, it doesn’t make you scared. True love makes you happy.

I promise, this heart break is only temporary. Sometimes, we need to be broken in order to be whole.

Mother’s Long Goodbye

It sounds familiar but also strange to hear the word “Alzheimer’s Disease”, it is a sickness that is common yet also hard to understand for most people. If I didn’t marry someone who is older than me, it may have been many years into the future for me to have an encounter of such disease with a family member since my parents are still in their early sixties. It’s only been almost six years that I’ve been married and living with my husband and his mother. I lived with them on her later years when most of her ailments began to show its symptoms. My mother-in-law is 81 years old. She acquired her asthma during her adult years and my husband told me that’s worse than getting asthma when you’re young. She also encountered surgery on her leg due to being robbed and suffering from a gunshot wound. Those are obvious factors that affected her health decline, however we think it’s mostly her emotional state of mind that affected her the most. Her eldest daughter passed away about a year before her son and I got married. Her eldest was the one she took care of the most because she suffered from Parkinson’s Disease. When Ate Annie passed away, Nanay’s health deteriorated. Her forgetfulness became progressive, after numerous doctor’s checkups and tests… we got the conclusion that she has on-set Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Two different illnesses. Two enemies.

For my husband, who has been her primary caregiver and companion… it was a blow. He often says after reading about Alzheimer’s that people call it a ‘Long Goodbye’. We have seen her symptoms get worse as time passes. Sometimes, we could live with it… other times, it is harder.

Two weeks ago, Nanay got COVID again despite our safety precautions. In the first few days, it was okay… her symptoms were mild and we were able to give her the antiviral medications prescribed by her doctor immediately when her symptoms showed. Early this week, we’ve noticed how she began to show weakness in her gait… her speech… and how she won’t eat. My husband got anxious every single time he sees his mother. He tries to be stronger, I can see… but it’s had for him to accept that we can’t do anything to stop the disease or reverse its effects. He often asks me, “Should we take Nanay to the hospital?” even though he knows it won’t do any good… the tests will only show the same results and hospital stays aren’t comfortable for Nanay… I tell him it’s better to have her at home as long as possible because we could care for her better and she’s in a familiar environment. I say it in a no nonsense tone even though it’s hard for me to be realistic and detached but I try for my husband who cannot control his emotions lately. It’s not easy to be rational when a loved one is unconsciously leaving.

I see Nanay stare at the TV for hours without any facial expression, days ago she used to laugh at comedy shows. I still find it unbelievable that she cannot control her bladder anymore. I can’t accept the fact that her voice is lower, her speech is unintelligible… and that she refuses to answer questions when weeks ago… she used to bombard us with questions, albeit repetitive. If it’s hard for me, someone who used to be a stranger and became family… I cannot imagine the feelings my husband have right now.

Even though I know I can’t do anything for him except to listen and support him with practical things… I want to write about him, that I see his pain and I want to share it with him. Nanay has been saying goodbye to us for years… and I don’t know how much longer it would take for her to finish. I just pray that in this life that we have and in this inevitable parting that we face… she won’t be in so much pain. We could take the pain for her… we can still try and live with it when she can’t anymore.

Love Scenery

The ocean breeze carried the scent of her hair,

the skies turned orange as the sun sets

He looked into her eyes, like sinking in the oceans deep

Could it be love, is this how it feels?

He wonders why… Every wrong turn, the ending is here

This moment, becoming endless when she took his offered hand

Sometimes the pain before was too unbearable,

She thought maybe she’ll never find love,

And by happy accident, here he is… holding out his hand

He smiled at her, all her doubts vanished in thin air…

How could it be so easy? When he smiled… warmth enveloped her heart…

And it feels like she’s never been broken… never faltered… never had fear

Steps taken in the sand, waves crashing… taking traces of the past behind them

Fingers intertwined, they walk to begin a lifetime.

Soulmate Korean Film Review

It reminded me of you.

You were my best friend and sister. As it was said in the film: “We were great once, what happened to us?”

In all honesty, I know I can live my whole life without having you back. I don’t need you to be my friend so I can be happy. However, even the miniscule missing part of me because of you feels like a gaping hole right this moment.

How can petty misunderstandings break our years of friendship? I still keep wondering why our pride for what we each think is right became such a towering wall between us. You’re not the same you, I guess I’m not the same me too.

Time’s all I could hope for. Eventually, everything will right itself somehow without any forceful intervention from you or me… but that’s just me fooling myself. I know we won’t go back. I won’t apologize to you again… and I know you’ll never accept my apology if and when.

You were a part of myself I’ll always keep missing. But a part I can live without. You’ll always hurt me, but I’ll always love you like the sister I never had. I’ll always pray for your happiness and you’ll always pretend you don’t care. I know you hurt as well… but you’re just too good at convincing yourself you can care less.

I hope you watch the movie.

I hope you think of me too.